Even with his heart pounding in time to the DJ’s command, a hundred and twenty-six beats per minute, Jamie could feel the one it skipped. Someone was watching him; he’d felt it, uncoiling a tight, nervous desire from the base of his spine, sliding it up his back until it made the hairs on his neck stand on end and his knees go weak, made him excited and just a little scared.

For months he’d walked past the door here, stolen glances past the curtain at the slender, pretty boys dancing together here, taking each other home, but he’d never dared step in before. Now he wasn’t sure whether he should have come. Someone would notice him; someone would tell; people would know; they would be polite of course, nothing overt. It was the twenty-first century after all, but he would hear their whispers, notice their sideways glances in his direction, and he would move again, unable to cope, unwilling to be that token friend, unwilling to be treated so differently. It wasn’t his fault he’d been born this way.

But there was that look. It promised so much.

Staggering off the dance floor, he scanned the crowd as he made his way, panting, to the bar. Through the back of his mind he remembered a glimpse of perfect golden skin and kinetic black hair beneath the DJ’s lights, but most of all the flash of bright green eyes, inviting and seductive, even from across the room. Somehow he knew he needed to find them.

He hopped up onto a stool. He needed a drink, too. It was hot out there.

A bartender caught his glance and bounced over, his hair spiked and glowing electric, fluorescent blue under the blacklights. “You look good out there!” he said, nearly shouting to be heard over the DJ. “What can I get you?”

“Black Widow!” he ordered, relaxing at the compliment.

“Sambuca?”

“Blavod!”

“You got it!” The bartender turned away catching a gleam of light across the glossy seat of his polished vinyl pants. Jamie leaned forward, against the counter, trying not to think about the sudden tightness in the bottom of his stomach or the tiny unf of appreciation that it tried to squeeze from him.

A hand cupped his rear. “Can I buy that for you?” a voice asked, trying to turn itself into a vague impression of “seductive”.

“I don’t think he’s for sale,” Jamie said, pointedly ignoring the question. He didn’t need to look to know he wouldn’t find those beautiful green eyes behind him. Someone who could buckle his knees with a look wouldn’t have to be so crude. He smiled politely to the bartender, exchanging a ten for his drink and a smile that said he’d been heard. “And take your hand off my ass.”

“Aw, come on… don’t be like that.” The hand gave him a squeeze. Jamie felt the muscles in his shoulders tense at the unwelcome touch.

The crisp taste of the vodka layered itself over the tart, gentle sweetness of cranberry as Jamie sipped at his drink. He tried to put a little bass and edge into his voice. “Mister, if you keep touching me, I’m going to have to be a lot worse.”

The man leaned closer, whispering into his ear, making him bristle at the scratchy feel of rough, stubbled skin against his own. “Bad boy, hmm? We could get a hotel room. Have some fun, find out how bad you are.” Jamie felt the hand move lower, headed between his legs.

That was it. Jamie set his drink on the bar, tapping his fingertips against the scarred wood. “OK, mister, if that’s how you want it, let’s find out. Right now.” He ducked forward and twisted from the hips. His elbow caught the man hard, just below the jaw, and sent him sprawling. Jamie’s boot followed him, delivering a savage kick to his stomach.

The man twisted around on the ground, trying to vomit and gasp for breath at the same time. “The… what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Jamie crouched beside him, his stare cold and angry at the man’s incomprehension. “Maybe next time you can introduce yourself, huh? And listen when a boy tells you he’s not interested.” He stood up again and found himself staring into someone’s chest. The someone was a bouncer. The bouncer was annoyed.

Nobody wants to trifle with an annoyed bouncer.

Jamie fought down the surge of energy. “He wouldn’t keep his hands off me,” he offered.

“This is a queer club, sir. You do realize that, right?”

Sir. He liked that. “Just because I like men, doesn’t mean I like him.”

“You could talk to one of us, you know. That’s what we’re here for.”

“Yeah, well, I told him twice, and he was still grabbing for my crotch. Kinda late to talk about it, don’t you think?”

“Look, let’s step outside for a minute, cool off, calm down, OK?”

Jamie took the last swallow of his drink and pushed his two dollars’ change back across the bar. “Sure. Let’s get out of here.”

The night was surprisingly cold, refreshing and almost calm. Jamie sucked the air deep into his lungs, relishing the moment of clarity.

“Okay, sir, we’re just going to stand out here, let you sober up some. We can talk it out if you want, and maybe you should go home for the night. We can call you a cab if you want.”

Jamie shook his head, trying to see if he’d misheard. “Wait, you’re throwing me out? He started it.”

The bouncer looked down at him with weary eyes. “No, it’s perfectly cool if you come back, I don’t know, next week or something. We just don’t want trouble, and it’s going to be a lot easier if you guys aren’t in the same club.”

“So throw him out!” Painfully aware of the way the bouncer towered over his short, compact frame, Jamie straightened up, trying to make himself larger.

“Look…” As if on cue, another bouncer shoved the man Jamie had kicked out the door, watching stolidly as he staggered down the street. “Huh. So, we sending them both home?”

“Eh. Give it ten minutes and you can let this one back in if you feel like it. His story checks out. Some of the other guys in there say that one’s been an obnoxious little fuck all night.” He turned to Jamie. “Don’t do that again, okay? You got a problem with someone, you tell me. That’s my job. Last thing we need is a barfight.”

“Yeah. Yeah, sure.” Jamie leaned up against the wall and cursed himself in silence. There goes your low profile, you idiot. Maybe you should just go home. Why are you even here?

From the alley he heard a pair of low, half-stifled moans. The bouncer managed a quiet laugh. “At least someone’s having a good time tonight.”

Oh. Damnit. It’s been so long… Toys and porn just don’t cut it sometimes. Maybe that green-eyed boy will give you a quickie. It’s dark out here. I bet he’d be fun for hours, but ten or twenty minutes should be OK too. Jamie fingered the condom and the sachet of lube in his pocket. He doesn’t have to get a good look at you, doesn’t even have to get your pants all the way off… you can get a good nailing, button up, and get out of here. The beat from inside the club broke his thoughts, disintegrating them with its familiar electric progression. He palmed a twenty-dollar bill. “Listen, uh, Volker Zacharias is about to command that I go dance to his music. Are we done? Can I go now? Promise to be good.”

The bouncer tapped his watch a few times, peering at it in the dim light. “Sure, whatever.” He shook Jamie’s hand, and the money disappeared. “Keep out of trouble this time. Don’t make me come get you again.”

The dance floor came alive beneath him, sweeping him up effortlessly into the beat’s slow, thoughtful transformations. He could feel the eyes around him, dozens of people watching him move. From some of them he could feel desire, from some of them, a little fear. That gaze he’d felt before was missing, though, that wash of anticipation and the confident, half-breathed offer of shameless pleasure.

Jamie took a deep breath and tried to forget. It was probably better that way. Coming here was a big enough step for one night. Another rush of music washed over him, and he went delirious with energy, spinning as the words dissolved his thoughts. When I think about you…

A wet spot of floor made his balance slip, sending him crashing into another dancer’s arms.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, trying to pull away again, but he felt someone guiding him, gently correcting his rhythm, and he felt himself dancing again before he could realize.

“It’s okay,” his partner said, his whisper somehow delightfully clear beneath the music. “I’ve been watching you. You look like fun.” The voice stirred something deep and primal in the back of Jamie’s mind.

Biting his lip, Jamie held his breath and looked up.

The eyes he remembered glittered back down at him, glowing brilliant, copper-fire green in the darkness. Their pupils narrowed to slits.

Jamie nearly melted.

His name was Tybalt, he said, the Prince of Cats, whose title trailed off into something that Jamie couldn’t quite understand through the music. It would have been ridiculous if it hadn’t felt so right. He didn’t know why, and really it didn’t seem important. Maybe it was the soft, expressive cat-ears that perched on his head; maybe it was the long, black tail that moved behind him; maybe it was just his effortless grace, the unmistakably feline way he moved. After a few minutes – two tracks, maybe three – it seemed only natural, and he surrendered to the beat.

It was like dancing into a fairy tale, a powerful, intoxicating dream that gave him confidence and made him feel that he belonged. Somehow Tybalt knew exactly what Jamie needed, exactly how he wanted to touch and how he needed touching, exactly how he needed to move and how he wanted moving. Before he could realize, before he could stop himself, he was dancing beneath the spotlight, grinding his hips shamelessly back against Tybalt’s leather pants. He reached back, over his head, and ran his fingers through the thick, silky-black mess of Tybalt’s hair, scratching behind one feline ear. It twitched, alive, beneath his fingers; Tybalt purred and pulled him closer. A hundred eyes were on him, pinning him in place with their jealous, hungry looks, but for once it didn’t matter.

This time, for once, he didn’t care.

Jamie broke his third long, sweet kiss of the night with a sigh. Catching his breath, he stood back up on tiptoe and licked the last hints of absinthe from Tybalt’s lips. “Mmm, wow,” he panted, fumes of anise still curling in his lungs. “You kiss like a god.” Unbidden his fingers counted down the inches of Tybalt’s shirt, enchanted by the black silk gauze and soft, tanned skin just barely out of reach, the long, smooth curves and the sleek, unspoken power of the muscles underneath. “You have the body of one, too.”

Cracking a smile, Tybalt tucked his fingers under the light curve of Jamie’s jaw. “It’s a nice perk of being one,” he murmured, tipping Jamie’s head just slightly further back.

What did he mean by that? The last milky-green sip of liquor dissolved the question from Jamie’s mind, drop by drop, as Tybalt dripped it over his eager, outstretched tongue. “I bet,” was all that he could muster. Fingers of herbal-sweet, opiate clarity caressed his brainstem, whispering courage to him even as they half-lidded his eyes. Through his lashes he looked up, kissing at the glass and Tybalt’s fingers. “You want to go out back, show me how much of a god you are?”

Tybalt laughed, once, and flicked his tongue across his teeth. “I don’t think I feel like being an alleycat tonight.”

“Maybe somewhere else, then?” He tried not to let his disappointment show.

Tybalt’s fingers spider-walked down the small of Jamie’s back as he weighed the possibilities. “The Saint Regis has a room waiting. It’s only for tonight.”

Two thoughts raced through Jamie’s mind, a whisper of excitement and a thrill of fear. Tybalt wanted to take him home. Tybalt wanted to take him home. He shied back from that edge of no return. “I have work in the morning,” he lied.

“Sleep over, then. I’ll order breakfast.”

Despite all his better judgment, excitement won. Jamie sucked in a deep, ragged breath, trying to take control of himself. “I’m parked across the street,” he offered, trembling at Tybalt’s touch. “The black Mustang. Soft-top. Wait there a minute. I’ll be right out.”

Jamie yanked himself back to reality with a splash of shock-cold water from the bathroom sink. “What the hell are you doing, Jamie?” he asked himself, staring at himself in the mirror. “You’re out of your mind, spending the night.”

Maybe it won’t be so bad. If he’s in a hotel he’s not from around here. You can live through one awkward morning, right?

He closed his eyes and splashed himself again, trying to forget the way Tybalt held him. It didn’t work. “One of these days you’re going to wind up like Brandon. You’re going to run out of places to move. You’re going to get yourself killed.”

His reflection offered him a wistful, knowing smile. “But what a way to go.”

In the parking lot, he found Tybalt already waiting in the driver’s seat, his tail twitching idly behind him as he rested his head out the open window. Funny, Jamie thought. Could’ve sworn I left the top up. “You OK to drive?” he asked, fishing around in his pockets for his keys.

“Always.” Tybalt smiled wide. Even in the dull streetlamp glow his teeth gleamed, sharp points only barely hiding in the corners of his mouth.

Jamie let himself in to the passenger seat, handing over the keys. “Just be careful, ‘kay? He’s the only one I got.”

The engine growled to life, low and throaty, and Tybalt folded his ears back, flat, growling playfully back. “Supercharger,” he said, a note of approval deepening his voice.

“‘course. What’s the use of such a pretty toy if you can’t ride it hard?”

“I’ll have to remember that,” Tybalt purred, his eyes glowing bright with the promise. He paused, looking down at his hand, floating over the center console. “But… why go automatic?”

Blushing hot at the tease, Jamie turned away and looked out the window. “I… uh… I didn’t learn how to drive a stick until a couple years ago.” He glanced back, scratching nervously at the back of his neck. “I’m stuck with the car until I can afford a new one, y’know? He’s still a lot of fun.”

Tybalt reached out and ruffled his hair. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure he is.”

The car lunged hard into the night, leaving Jamie’s answer to drown beneath the engine’s roar.

I needed this, Jamie thought, struggling happily as Tybalt wrestled him face-first into the bed. He felt pointed, feline teeth dig into the naked flesh of his shoulder, and he surrendered, crying out into the pillow.

Tybalt growled his approval. “You’re stronger than you look.”

“I let you win,” Jamie panted. He turned over onto his back and grinned. It was a lie, of course, or at least half of one. Even play-wrestling he could tell that Tybalt was indulging him like a plaything, impossibly strong beneath the soft perfection of his golden skin. Then again, Jamie had been fighting to lose.

“Oh, really now?” The glow in Tybalt’s eyes flared brighter for an instant. “Prove it.”

Taking a deep breath, Jamie lunged up, scrambling for position. For a few moments he found some deep, animal energy and lost himself in the moment, in the sheer joy of touch, and once or twice he thought he was almost winning. It didn’t last, though; this time, when Tybalt caught him, the bite came harder; this time, he marked Jamie as his own. Jamie felt his voice curl up into itself and his breathing slow, heavy and eager. “You win.”

“Is that so? What do I win?” Tybalt’s voice circled his, like a tomcat around his queen.

“You win a toy for the night,” Jamie giggled, grinding back against the hard bulge in Tybalt’s pants. “And he’ll do any-thing you want.” He blushed, suddenly aware of the thin, slippery smear he was leaving in his boxers. When Tybalt bit him, he’d very nearly come.

Tybalt cupped Jamie’s cheek in his hand, turning his head for a kiss. “Such a pretty, pretty toy,” he whispered, their lips nearly touching. “Don’t worry. You’ll get the ride you’re looking for.”

Jamie clutched at the sheets, mewling in frustration as Tybalt’s fingers wandered down his chest. How many times had they played this game? It was getting hard to count. Every time, Tybalt found another touch that made him squirm. Every time, impatient, he tried to tease Tybalt back, to hurry things along with the motion of his hips and the friction of denim and leather, but he only made it worse. Every time, Tybalt bit him again, kissed him and held him still. Every time, Jamie felt his control slip, just a little more.

The point of Tybalt’s tongue traced a warm shiver down the back of Jamie’s neck. “You’re so responsive,” he said, making a soft noise of approval. “I could get used to a boy like you.” He stopped for a moment, pulling himself into a crouch, and pressed a kiss between Jamie’s shoulders. Another one followed, and then a third, counting lower along his vertebrae.

Was it agony or bliss? He wasn’t sure anymore, or even if he cared. Maybe Tybalt was all that mattered. His skin flushed hot under every touch, with every breath and every motion, and he tucked his legs beneath himself, arching his back to meet the kisses. They stopped between his shoulders, but Tybalt’s hands kept creeping lower, lower, until they curled over his belt and held him tight.

Obediently Jamie raised his hips, letting Tybalt’s hands ease forward and undo his belt. Button by button Tybalt opened his fly, measuring the time with Jamie’s whimpers, and finally, finally, pulled his jeans down his thighs, leaving them wrapped around his knees. Yes, Tybalt was all that mattered now. Tybalt began to kiss his way back up, retracing his path in careful, metered time. Tybalt held him close and still, undoing his own pants with his one free hand. Tybalt slid his cock along the crease of Jamie’s rear, making him feel the heat of his body through the thin fabric, and Jamie closed his eyes, waiting to surrender. Tybalt stopped.

He stopped.

“Tybalt… please…” Jamie felt his voice crack in desperation.

Tybalt purred, obviously enjoying himself. “Please what?”

“I want you,” he whined. “Please. I can’t take it anymore. I need you.”

“You need me to what?”

Jamie bit at his lower lip, savoring the sweet obscenity. “I need you to fuck me. Now. Please.”

“You’re so cute when you beg.”

Jamie made a small, frustrated noise, rolling over onto his back, and reached up to scratch behind one of Tybalt’s ears. “You think I’m cute, mister Tybalt?” He pulled him down, gently, and dropped his voice to a whisper. “What’s a boy gotta do to get from cute to fuckable, huh?”

The fire in Tybalt’s eyes flared brighter at the possibilities, and his tail flicked thoughtfully through the air behind him. “Keep talking.”

“Is that all? What do you want me to say?” Jamie raised his chin, sucking in his breath as Tybalt’s tongue flicked against the pit of his collar. “Should I tell you all the things I want you to do to me?”

At the base of Jamie’s spine, Tybalt’s hand tightened, pulling him closer. His answer was a low, possessive growl.

Jamie nuzzled gently at the base of Tybalt’s ear, feeling the silky fur against his lips. “Do you want to know how I get all hot and bothered when you hold me like that?” he breathed. “I went into that club just looking for a quickie, but I found you, you beautiful fucking catboy tease. You caught me and suddenly all I can think about is how good it feels when you hold me, and how much better it’ll be when you start sliding your big, wonderful cock up my ass.”

Tybalt crept lower, kissing a trail down Jamie’s chest, and breathed a hard, dirty promise that he could only barely hear. It didn’t matter much. Jamie knew he would be begging for it all the same.

The packet of lube had fallen out of Jamie’s pocket. After a moment, he found it and tore it open, squeezing the warm, slick gel into his hands. “You’d start slow, wouldn’t you?” Tybalt’s cock felt just right in his hands, smooth and gracefully shaped, almost-not-quite-too-big, and Jamie felt his body taking over, stroking him automatically, begging with his hands. He struggled to keep his thoughts clear, fumbling with the words. “Make me show you how deep I can take it. Make me find out how much you stretch me out. Make me work it. Make me prove what a nice toy I can be for you.”

Bringing his hand to Jamie’s hip, Tybalt tucked his thumb into the waistband of Jamie’s boxers, pulling them just slightly lower.

It was so close. Jamie felt a sudden panic, something important, he knew, something he’d forgotten in the sheer pleasure of Tybalt, but the thought drowned beneath the low, throaty growl of his raw sexual instinct. Stroking Tybalt one last time, he took his hands away and posed as invitingly as he could. “Or maybe you just want to fuck my brains out. You’ve been revving me up all night, and I don’t really care anymore. You could’ve done me right there on the fucking dance floor if you wanted it.”

Tybalt paused for a moment, staring into his eyes like some feral jungle cat.

“I bet you knew that.” Jamie shivered, somehow knowing that it was true. “That’s the way you want it, isn’t it? You want to get me all worked up, see how far you can take me. You can hear my heart going right now, can’t you? I bet you can smell how much I need it. Taste it on my skin.” “Fuck, I want it so bad I can taste it.”

Tybalt slid his other hand to Jamie’s waist and tugged at the elastic, lapping at the naked arch of his hip. He pet Jamie through the fabric, stroking him, squeezing him, and spreading him, just a little, offering silent teases of things to come. Again, just as Jamie had almost caught his breath, just as he was almost ready to face the next wash of pleasure, Tybalt stopped.

It was too much. By now Jamie knew that it was coming, but still it was too much. He sank back into his pillow, giving in to the babble, to the incoherent pleasure of the words rolling across his tongue. “Don’t do this again, Tybalt, not again, please. I can’t take it anymore. I want you, need you, please, Tybalt, please,” he panted. “Just fuck me. It’s been a year, Tybalt. Fuck me senseless. Please…”

All at once the panic returned.

This time it caught him; this time he could recognize it; this time even the promise of Tybalt could not pull it from his mind. “Crap, oh, fuck me, wait,” he babbled, feeling his fears and desires crash and tumble together, tripping him up like a thousand marbles dropped down the stairs. “Please, fuck, Tybalt, you need to know, please, down there, wait…”

It was too late. Jamie twisted, trying to hide, but he only managed to tangle himself in his jeans, exposing himself more. He felt his boxers pull over his hips, partly Tybalt’s doing and partly his own, sliding effortlessly down his thighs.

“Fuck.” Jamie slumped and looked away, unwilling to accept the soft, naked mons between his legs.

“I’m not a girl,” Jamie said, breaking the long silence. He started wriggling back into his jeans, still unable to meet Tybalt’s gaze. “I mean, I have girl parts, but they’re not…” He took a deep breath and hung his head in resignation. “I’ll go, if you want. Take you back to the club. You can find a normal boy. I think you have a couple hours left.”

Tybalt pressed him back down to the bed, spaying his fingers flat across the pit of Jamie’s ribs. “Stay,” he whispered, crawling up until his breath teased Jamie’s lips. “I wanted you.”

Still uncertain, Jamie let himself relax into bed’s soft, inviting support, whimpering at the distracting nakedness of Tybalt’s body. It had been a long time, and he felt too good, too warm, too close to argue. “If… uhm… I… ehr…”

Settling above him, Tybalt silenced him with a touch, and his weight became soothing and comfortable. “Stop,” he said. “Breathe. In. Out. Deeper. In. Out.” One breath at a time Jamie began to obey, letting his body fall into step with Tybalt’s slow, patient rhythm. “Better.”

“I’m not a girl,” Jamie repeated, licking timidly at the tease of Tybalt’s fingertips.

“Shhh. I wasn’t looking for one tonight.” Again Tybalt kissed him, carefully, showering him with feather-light touches.

Slowly, Jamie began to respond, drawing them out deeper and longer, until he nearly forgot himself once more. This time, though, he could not forget; this time he had to break the kiss; this time he could not help but remember himself, and he pushed himself away. “I can’t do this,” he said, shaking his head. “Not like this.”

Tybalt cocked his head to one side, curious. “You don’t like it?”

“Of course I do! You feel fantastic. It’s… it’s hard to describe. Most of the time I feel like I’m living in someone else’s skin, or maybe in one of those nightmares where something is just slightly off, and I feel like I’m tossing around somewhere, but I can’t get scared enough yet to wake up.” Jamie swallowed hard, piecing his thoughts together. “Then, for a little while there, I forgot, Tybalt. I felt natural.”

“Natural?”

“Like a natural boy. I mean, I had some work done, a little bit of surgery up top, and I’ve been on a pretty low dose of T for about three months now. If I take too much it starts making me kinda stupid, but it’s pretty awesome. I like it, but this… this felt right.”

Smiling his mysterious feline smile, Tybalt rolled to one side and propped himself up on one arm. Slowly his fingers began to follow Jamie’s scars, learning the faint, nearly-forgotten lines in the flesh.

It felt as though Tybalt were pulling heavy weights lifted from his chest, one at a time, and Jamie let his story come pouring out, grateful to find someone who would listen. “When I was a kid, I was friends with this cute little boy named Rio, and I kept making him help me sneak into the boys’ room when I needed to go. It felt better somehow. We were seven years old when I had to move. He came over on my last day, and I was bawling, because I was so scared I wouldn’t have anyone to help me anymore.” He let himself laugh at the childish absurdity of it all. “He gave me a hug and said to pretend I was a boy sneaking into the girl’s room, and that would be okay.”

Tybalt looked amused. “Did it work?”

“For a while, yeah. High school was complicated,” Jamie said, turning to snuggle himself back against the warmth of Tybalt’s body. “Hormones made a lot less sense the first time around, ’cause I like the way boys are put together, but I never clicked right with the straight ones. After that I was a lesbian for a couple years, because being gay felt a whole lot better than being straight, but in the end, I couldn’t get over the huge lack of cock in my life.”

“It’s good that you found yourself,” Tybalt said, squeezing Jamie closer, making him feel small and warm and helpless as he nuzzled at the nape of his neck. “And it’s even better that you wound up here with me.”

“Thanks for not freaking out, by the way.” Jamie looked down at his hands. They were shaking, and he curled his fingers together to stop them. “I guess what I’m saying is… I want you so, so much, but… you feel… I don’t know, better than anything. I know it’s just one night, but I don’t think I’m going to want to go back.”

For a few moments, the room was silent, and Tybalt only continued his slow, thoughtful study of Jamie’s scars. When he finally spoke, it felt as though he were sharing a secret, so soft and confidential that he could only barely hear it as his heart began to race. “Maybe you don’t have to.”

“What do you mean?” Jamie asked, or at least he tried; the words caught in his throat, unspoken, as he felt his jeans begin to tighten and fill. “What are you…”

“Don’t look,” Tybalt warned, guiding his hands back to Jamie’s waist. “I’ll stop if you look.”

Reflexively Jamie closed his eyes, holding them tight, not knowing what to believe. It wasn’t real, he told himself; it couldn’t be. Still, somehow he couldn’t resist the urge to imagine himself growing as Tybalt touched him through the denim; somehow he felt a vague but definite sense of self, stiffening, straining to be freed.

“Would you be average-sized?” Tybalt whispered, unbuttoning him again, one slow pop at a time. “I think you would. It’d look big on you, because you’re so small.”

“Uh-huh,” Jamie murmured, too enchanted by the fantasy to imagine himself any other way. The feeling began to take shape, a dream of flesh becoming warm and firm.

“Maybe it would be a little bit longer, just a little bit slim. That would be the perfect cock for you, wouldn’t it? Don’t fight it, Jamie. Let yourself believe. Let this be real.”

Jamie lay there, breathing deeply as he felt Tybalt’s hand moving over the dream of his cock. How did he know? How could Tybalt know how he’d imagined himself, so many times? Perhaps it didn’t matter. With the last of one breath he whispered, only to himself. “Please, let this be real.”

And it was real. Jamie was complete, and it was good.

For the first time in his life, Jamie was no longer pretending, or even forgetting. He simply was. Where he hadn’t been before, he now was, unmistakably hard, and he called it cock. The word felt right as he mouthed it, opening his jaws and shaping his tongue with its single, perfect syllable, but more than that, now, it had truth, urgency and form, daring him to open his eyes and see. It wasn’t just a word anymore; it was his word now, his cock, with the slight, graceful curve that he’d somehow known would be there, and the full, soft feeling of weight at its base, pulled up taut between his legs.

Soon, Jamie was squirming again. Tybalt was making him touch himself, and it was even more fun than he’d imagined. He loved the warm, satisfying weight of his cock, filling his hand, and the way he couldn’t help making small, happy noises whenever he brushed the little collar of skin around the base of its head. Warm, fat droplets of pre formed at his tip, and Tybalt marked him with them, one at a time. He smeared them across his skin and lips, making him suck his fingers clean, and he made Jamie count aloud.

By the time he counted twenty-five, every slow, measured pump of his fist made his hips tense up, twitching with anticipation, but he didn’t dare go faster. Once, he’d tried it, and Tybalt had made him stop entirely and pull his hand away. The night had been cool against Jamie’s skin in a way it had never been before, and Tybalt had held him there until he whimpered his contrition and promised to be good.

Part of him wanted to break that promise, just to see what punishment might wait in store.

Tybalt pressed closer up behind Jamie and nibbled at the edge of his ear. “This is exactly what you wanted, isn’t it?”

It was.

Tybalt’s hand slipped lower, curling over Jamie’s. “I want something in return,” he whispered, and Jamie moaned his assent.

The spell faded, for an instant, and Jamie felt Tybalt’s fingers brush against the memories of his old, too-familiar body, teasing at the edges of the slit between his legs. Panic flooded his mind, blinding him with hot, painful tears, and he twisted away from Tybalt’s arms, shoving him hard. Tybalt’s body fell heavily to the floor, and the magic came crashing down with it. Jamie’s eyes flew open, and he doubled over with loss as he tried desperately to reclaim himself, tried desperately to believe again, even for just another minute.

In the loose tangle of sheets, Tybalt sat up, waiting for Jamie came back to grips with himself. “I don’t think that’s ever happened before, actually,” he said, lacing his fingers together in bemused indignation. “I have to say I wasn’t expecting it.”

Jamie glared, still seething. “No. Not for anyone. Not for anything.”

Tybalt shrugged in unmistakably feline dismissal, rising to his feet, and turned to go. “The hotel will be happy to bring you breakfast,” he said, not looking back. “I think they’ll expect you out by noon.”

“Wait.” Jamie felt his voice crack, his anger breaking into sudden desperation. “Please wait. Just one minute. Just to think.”

Tybalt slid two fingers beneath Jamie’s chin and lifted, pulling his gaze back to those unearthly green eyes. “Make the most of it,” he whispered, and for a moment Jamie felt himself whole again, caught again, instantly, on the desperate edge of climax.

“Fine,” Jamie gasped, trying to keep the stammer out of his voice. He kicked his jeans to the floor. “Go ahead. Let’s get this over with.”

Tybalt smiled and slipped back into bed, his gentle kiss a sweet and terrifying reminder that it would not be that easy. He tsked, and his teeth brushed the edge of Jamie’s ear. “Do you really think I’d be so crude?”

As hard as he would try, Jamie would never more than half-remember the things that Tybalt did to him that night, and as hard as he would try, he would never more than half-forget. Even while he lived it, Jamie drifted in and out of his body, watching it through eyes glazed and unfocused by trauma and pleasure, and it would return to him only in flashes, in fleeting dreams of beautiful, Technicolor panic on cold-sweat nights.

At first Jamie only let himself be held, not moving, only barely letting himself feel the touch of Tybalt’s hands. Soon he was touching back, unable to resist the warm, possessive embrace that he’d needed since their first dance together. At first he only let himself be kissed, not moving, only barely letting himself feel the press of Tybalt’s lips. Soon he was kissing back, unable to resist the weak-kneed surrender that he’d known was coming from the instant he’d felt Tybalt watching.

Jamie squeezed at the long, smooth curves of Tybalt’s muscles, closing his eyes again as they moved beneath his fingers. Fitting himself into the cradle of Tybalt’s arms, he felt his rear settle into Tybalt’s waiting hand, as if it belonged there. Between their bodies he felt Tybalt stiffening, and a deep, golden pleasure shuddered. By some unnamable instinct he curled his legs around Tybalt’s hips, and by the same instinct he crossed his feet over the base of Tybalt’s tail, pulling himself closer, wanting the contact just a little bit more. Before he knew it, kissing gave way to grinding, to the sweet, warm friction of the moment, and it was good.

Somehow Tybalt knew exactly what Jamie’s body needed, or perhaps Jamie’s body needed exactly what Tybalt wanted from it. It had been a long, long time since Jamie had let anyone touch him this way, longer still since he had let himself enjoy it, and the bright, cold terror of his body still howled in the back of his mind, more savagely real than he remembered it ever before. It almost didn’t matter anymore. The smooth, hairless length of Tybalt’s cock slid against Jamie’s clit, a slow, rhythmic friction, and Jamie was wet, soaking wet. Every motion of his hips felt smoother than the one before, sweeter and more natural. He made a plaintive little noise, shifting his hips, begging again but too proud to admit it, and bit his lower lip in nervous hopes that Tybalt might take the hint.

He did.

Inevitably grinding gave way to fucking, to the violent, blacked-out urgency of desire, and for Jamie, it could not have come too soon.

Jamie felt himself stretching, slowly accepting Tybalt deep into his body, a nightmare from which he very nearly didn’t want to wake. For the first time in his life the fundamental, inescapable girlishness of his body seemed almost natural, swirling around him in a haze of almost-boy and not-quite-girl, there and not-there, should-be and was-not; he felt his scars healing and dreamed that his cock was painfully hard; he came, violently, and accepted the marks that Tybalt left on his skin. So often he screamed that beautiful feline name into the darkness that she lost count of the times, and soon it didn’t even matter what she was, or he was, or really anything else. Nobody and nothing else mattered, only his beautiful prince, her gold-tanned lover, only the pleasure that they shared, only his kisses and his touch, only his perfect golden tan, only his soft black hair and his even softer fur, and slowly, fucking gave way to making love, to the green, unearthly poetry of motion.

Tybalt came. They didn’t stop. It was that simple.

Finally making love slowed even more, to cuddling, and Jamie held Tybalt close, wanting to keep him deep inside as he softened. “You’re so amazing.” He couldn’t think of any other words.

Tybalt stroked idly at Jamie’s cheek. “I could get used to a boy like you.”

Exhausted, Jamie could only barely manage a smile, imagining how nice that might be. “You could, you know.” Summoning up a last bit of strength, he rolled Tybalt onto his back. His legs were barely working, but he crawled lower, leaving a trail of kisses down his prince’s body, as Tybalt had done for him before. “I won’t be able to do this again, though, so you’ll have to enjoy it now.” He dipped his head, intoxicated with the seductive dirtiness of the idea, and began to lick Tybalt clean again.

“No.” Tybalt shook his head, as if it couldn’t be that simple. “I could get used to a boy like you.”

Jamie stopped and turned away, curling up into a naked, shivering ball. He didn’t want to understand, but it was all too clear. “That’s the choice, isn’t it? Is that the way it works? I can have you, or I can have me?”

Tybalt did not speak again.

Jamie slid his fingers between his legs, feeling the still-warm drops of Tybalt oozing from his body, and all the pleasure that they brought; he felt the pleasantly tender slit they oozed from, and all the wrongness that that implied. Either choice, he knew, he would regret. “I’ll miss you always,” he said, giving up, and welcomed his hot and bitter tears.

“I…” Tybalt shrugged. “Amen,” he whispered, almost sadly, and Jamie’s world dissolved into a deep and dreamless slumber.

Jamie woke up holding ten years of morning hard-ons all rolled into one. He groaned, twisting uncomfortably in bed before he realized what that meant. “Holy crap!” He jolted awake. “That wasn’t!” A blindfold was tied tightly around his head, and his hands shook as he reached up to tear it away.

Someone caught him by the wrist, though, holding it tightly to the mattress. “It was.”

“Tybalt? You’re still here?” Jamie’s heart surged. “Did you…”

“No.” Tybalt kissed the words away. “I just couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.”

On shaky, nervous legs, Jamie eased himself out of bed. The cool air alone was an ecstasy against his new and naked skin. Tybalt guided him over soft, plush carpet and cold, stone tiles, into the shower, and soon he began to wash Jamie, holding him close and stroking him all over, sheeting his body in soap and steamy, hot water.

“It really is just right for you,” Tybalt purred, sliding a finger up the underside of Jamie’s shaft, and laughed at Jamie’s eager, desperate response.

Jamie whined. He was at least as sensitive as he’d been the night before, and maybe even more. It was cruel and he loved it.

“It’s time to say goodbye,” Tybalt said, turning Jamie in his arms.

For a moment Jamie felt himself slide against Tybalt, cock on cock, before he was pressed back against the wall. It felt so warm, so smooth, so overwhelmingly natural, that he could barely stand. He bit his lip, not knowing what would come.

Tybalt crouched, nuzzling against the plain of Jamie’s belly. “You would have been a lot of fun.”

Jamie would never really remember the rest. In truth he would not care. Even the shadow of the memory was enough. He knew that Tybalt kissed him, suckling gently on his tip, sliding him slowly deeper and deeper into his mouth, and that his tongue was rough and slippery, gentle and insistent, all at once. He knew that Tybalt knew when to stop, and when to tease, when to lap and when to suck, when to indulge him and when to make him beg. Most of all, though, he knew that when he finally came, he seemed to come for hours, from the very core of his being, as though he’d spent his entire life waiting for this single moment with this single lover, and that he never wanted it to end.

Panting, Jamie rested his head against the smooth, wet tile, trying to catch his breath not just from the pleasure, but more than that from the unspeakable rightness of the way he’d come.

“Close your eyes,” Tybalt whispered, rising.

He did as he was told. Tybalt held him close, peeling away the blindfold. Jamie nuzzled under his chin, warm and happy, not daring to look. He wanted to stay like this forever.

Tybalt’s fingers slid along his jaw, tilting his head up just one more time. For an instant he felt the fleeting kiss goodbye, the sticky-salt taste of himself on Tybalt’s lips.

“I hope you think it’s worth it,” his prince whispered. Then, with a cold rush of air, he was gone.

With a whimper, Jamie crumbled to the floor and hoped that he did, too.

It is the last fiery gasp of summer 2003, and it is too hot to move. I am a child of the desert, of the dry Bakersfield heat, and ninety-five degrees is almost comfortable, but humidity makes me sweat; it makes me sticky; it makes me miserable. I throw my shirt across the room. It almost hits Jen, but she catches it, laughs, and throws it back. I let it knock me over and lie in bed, over the covers. The fan on her nightstand sweeps its meager breeze up my chest, across my face, and I close my eyes.

Jen holds me tight, sinking her teeth into my shoulder, and I cry out, once.

It is the last fiery gasp of summer 2009, and I shake my head clear, staggering to my feet. I stumble to the fridge and grab the first beer I see, pressing my cheek to the cool, hard glass, a tiny escape from the heat. A hint of fresh, clear water forms on the bottle, and I suck a little bit away. That doesn’t help. I turn the bottle in my hand. It’s Newcastle Brown, like Jen drinks, and it hurts to remember.

I put the bottle back and close the door.

10 – Eat food. Not too much. Go out of your way to find some that is tasty and nutritious. Gooey cinnamon rolls are tasty but not very nutritious. Plain chicken breast is nutritious but not very tasty. Fresh fish, well-cooked vegetables, and fruit are both!

9 – People are surprisingly willing to trade all sorts of wonderful things for small green pictures of boring-looking men. Try not to promise to trade someone more pictures than you actually have. Very much sadness comes from thinking that you will get more in the future, and then not actually getting as many as you expected.

8 – All catgirls are pretty, though sometimes this is not obvious until you find the right perspective. This is a good idea to remember and very important, much the way that it is important to walk all the way around a banyan tree, or to take a few steps back and appreciate Kīlauea from a safe and respectful distance.

7 – There is a special kind of tough-pretty catgirl that is especially charming and makes you feel warmer and fuzzier than normal. Be very careful of these, because they are fast on their feet and can hug you with surprising force.

6 – Notice that I have said to be careful, not necessarily to be wary.

5 – Have an appropriate outfit for every occasion, and especially have a distinctive hat if you are a hat-wearing kind of person. Good attire inspires confidence.

4 – Always remember to take breaks for cocoa. Most problems do not feel so bad if you have enough cocoa. If you are allergic to chocolate, take breaks for lemonade instead. Lemonade is tasty both hot and cold, and works much the same way.

3 – Make a special effort to brighten at least one person’s day, every day. It will make your corner of the world a happier place.

2 – Have candy. Offer it freely.

1 – Remember this always: wherever you may wander, there you are.

Now that my exam is over, though, I’ve been catching up on my pleasure-reading.

I came across this passage in David Neiwart’s In God’s Country. It’s a book about the patriot/militia movement, interesting mostly in the politics of marginalization and probably relevant to Senator Obama’s recent comments about guns, religion, and xenophobia.

The villagers, he said, knew about the camp, and watched daily as thousands of prisoners would arrive by rail car, herded like cattle into the camps. And they knew that none ever left, even though the camp never could have held the vast numbers of prisoners who were brought in. They also knew that the smokestack of the camp’s crematorium belched a near-steady stream of smoke and ash. Yet the villagers chose to remain ignorant about what went on inside the camp. No one inquired, because no one wanted to know.

“But every day,” he said, “these people, in their neat Germanic way, would get out their feather dusters and go outside. And, never thinking about what it meant, they would sweep off the layer of ash that would settle on their windowsills overnight. Then they would return to their neat, clean lives and pretend not to notice what was happening next door.

“When the camps were liberated and their contents were revealed, they all expressed surprise and horror at what had gone on inside,” he said. “But they all had ash in their feather dusters.”

We’ve all heard this story, of course, one way or the other, but this particular telling of it seems uniquely chilling. There’s something compellingly, disappointingly human about that final detail.

That isn’t Tybalt, for those of you who enjoy Tybalt artwork, but you can expect to figure out who it is in a future story. Given my slow output that will probably take a while, but I’d love to hear your speculation if you have any.