You Can’t Go Back to Eden

I know how to find the nexus of the universe.

If you go out walking, through cold, deserted streets, sometime between last call at the bars and last dance at the clubs, you find yourself caught in that hazy middle, between not-quite-yesterday and not-quite-tomorrow, perfectly alone. The rest of the world fades away, until nothing exists except you and your thoughts and the next square of pavement. You can bring a friend sometimes, a close one and certainly never two, and you come out enlightened, somehow, with this zennish sort of acceptance and understanding of each other. You can bring a lover, too, and that’s even better, because it doesn’t matter if the world tries to keep you apart, because the world doesn’t matter, not in there. The darkness wraps around you, like a cocoon, cold and warm, lonely and deliciously intimate, all at once, and for those fleeting hours, all that matters is the way he breathes and the way he talks, the way he fits against you, all long, soft-sheathed muscles and gentle, supple curves, but most of all the sparkle in his eyes, and the way he tries to hide just how much you mean to him, just how much he trusts you with the secrets of his life.

I spent almost every night there, with Nicky, back when I could call him mine. When he left I spent them there, alone, never trusting the girls or boys after him with that delicate, perfect place.

It’s the most beautiful place in the world, a little slice of Eden.

I don’t know if I can find my way back anymore.

DreamFever

For Anne and Trece and Tanko, who brought me to YaoiCon. And for Kez, who drop-kicked me into their hands to begin with.

Somewhere out on the distant, fuzzy edges of the world, Tybalt, Prince of Cats, whose subjects were once as gods and have never forgotten, was begging for a bite of fruit. He made sad kitten faces up at the tall, delightfully boyish girl who held him pinned to the sand, kissing at her fingertips when she finally pressed the crisp white wedge of peach-flesh between his lips. She settled against him, letting his arm curl across the small of her back. They fed each other, stopping now and again to kiss and share the sweet, delicate aftertastes that lingered on their lips.

She kissed him a little harder, pressing her tongue against his own, sliding it along his smooth, pointed teeth. Then she was laughing and teasing, gone in an instant, running down the beach until he ran her down, bringing her to the sand and holding her as though he wished never to let her go.

Cool surf washed up around them, making the black silk of her dress gleam wet against her skin, like India ink against the finest porcelain. She kissed him again, scratching behind his ear, always amazed by the smooth, perfect blend of sleek black cat and golden-skinned youth. He closed his eyes, purring his contentment to her, and the world faded away.

The kisses felt different when the world returned, as light and timid as feather touches. Tybalt found himself in his bath, cradling a lithe little creature, not so much unlike himself. His name was Adam, he remembered, some priceless gift from human folly. His hair was white and pure as milk, and his eyes were sparkling, cobalt blue, bright and full of endless, perfect love. Tybalt smiled and held his subject tightly, pressing a kiss between his ears, remembering those early times. First like a child and then like a man, Adam had learned each day a new saintly virtue, and each night a sweet and secret sin. Most of all, Tybalt remembered the way Adam loved to snuggle close, sliding his naked, perfect skin against his prince’s own, first in innocence, then in desire. But then the angels had taken him away.

The angels had taken him away.

He bolted up in bed, panting heavily as his heart raced to bring him out of slumber. His sheets were damp with sweat, and no one slept beside him in the darkness. “Only a dream,” he breathed, over and over again, trying to calm himself. Adam had been lost to him for half of a thousand years, like the girl whose name he could still not bear to speak. The realization settled in, curling its icy coils deep in the pit of his stomach, and his eyes narrowed to slits. His roar echoed in the empty halls.

Wanting More

Val called me his Asian prince, and I never doubted his sincerity. His tribute-gifts were black silk sheets, and I would stretch out in them each night, imagining that their soft caresses were his own, quietly talking to him, spilling my words to him through the ether, a slow, sensuous seduction from a thousand miles away. Later, when I bought toys, to warm the cold nights, priceless bringers of pleasure in glass and stone and soft, fleshy silicone, I would share their joys with him, whimpering into the night as I writhed there, feeling the comfortable fullness and the tiny droplets of sweat beading their way over my flesh, disappearing into the all-consuming blackness of the sheets.

I don’t remember how I met him, or when, only that it was very long ago, and that I had not yet learned that I could love men. Somehow we seduced one another, like heroes of old, two horsemen, each circling the other, endlessly jealous of the other’s smooth, effortless movements, until anger and fear bled into lust and admiration, and the four became two and the two became one, just as earth and horse and man and steel once blended into one seamless force of dangerous beauty. We talked for hours across the ether, staving off the loneliness of the world with our desire. He taught me to love my body, wiping away my shame at the soft-edged, almost-girlish curves, and I loved him for it, returning his quiet tribute in bright Kodak color and regal, epic language, my best imitations of the hot, just-barely-innocent styles I adored best.

I dreamed much more, then, still the quiet, beautifully confused dreams of the late-blooming child, and I often dreamt of him.

The Tears of Anael

Ta’avahiel drew a deep breath as he walked through the hallway of cats, flinching every time another tabby or calico rubbed itself against his leg and streaked another line of fur across the immaculate white of his gown. The air was thick with the smells and yowls of a thousand cats doing their thousand feline things, hunting, playing, sleeping, mating, all shot through with the fine food and drink of the Prince who ruled them all. One low purr rumbled differently from the rest, spilling out into the hall from beyond a half-open door. The angel rolled his eyes, folded his wings carefully, and slipped inside.

A cat-eared youth lay sprawled in folded a bed, his tanned, golden skin gleaming with sweat as it lay against the watery blue sheets and the sleek, powerful leopardess who shared them. The jungle cat yawned, baring her great, sharp teeth, and Ta’avahiel stopped his approach, waiting as she nosed her companion awake. The youth barely seemed to notice his presence, as though members of Heaven’s Choir came daily to his door, and drew the great cat’s head to him, kissing her between the eyes.

“Tybalt…”

The youth’s ears twitched a little, as though expecting Ta’avahiel to continue, and the kiss slipped lower, until his lips met the cat’s, lingering there in a deep, gentle touch of affection.

It was pointless to argue. “Tybalt, Prince of Cats, whose subjects were once as gods and have never forgotten…”

The kiss broke for a moment as Tybalt peered over his companion’s head, narrowing his bright green eyes to slits. He considered the angel with slow, lazy confidence, twitching his tail beneath the sheets. “You forgot ‘each equal to any king’, but that may pass.” The kiss resumed, dying off into a show of warm, contented nuzzling, as if he enjoyed watching Ta’avahiel squirm in discomfort at their open, bestial affection. “Go, Remi,” he murmured, sending his subject away, and the leopardess stalked from the room, glaring at her master’s visitor for his intrusion.

The angel closed the door, unfurling his wings once more. The gesture would be lost on the Prince, he knew, but it always felt better to speak bathed in His glory. “If a man layeth with any animal, he must be stoned.”

Tybalt yawned, in his peculiarly feline way, running his tongue across the edges of his teeth. “Higher than a kite, Tavah, but I am both and neither, and the rules bear little upon me, as well you ought to know.” His ears folded flat against his head, as though in demonstration.

Ta’avahiel bristled a little at the Prince’s defiance. “That was an abomination, before the eyes of God.”

A low chuckle served as an answer. “You saw only a kiss, little bird. Leave it be.”

“Judas betrayed the Son with the same.”

The Prince stretched, letting the sheets fall around his body as he raised his hips, cracking each joint in his back in a slow, lazy rise to his hands and knees, then fell over to his side again, considering his visitor. “You didn’t come to lecture me, Tavah. You want something from me, and it must be something that no one else can give.” He thought for a moment, gesturing to a small pouch on a nearby table. “It’s probably not the catnip, but you’re welcome to some if you want.”

Ta’avahiel shifted awkwardly, trying to recover his dignity from beneath the Prince’s idle, uncaring gaze. “Something only you can bring me, yes.”