A detective stopped me in the Akihabara police station and asked to see my identification, but he seemed to lose interest almost immediately once I took it out, and he only gave it a cursory glance-over. I couldn’t understand why he did that, until later when I was fishing around for my rail pass. If I have a particularly large load in my upper left pockets, I realized, my jacket makes it look a little like I’m wearing a shoulder holster. Handguns are highly illegal in Japan, so naturally I think he felt compelled to investigate. Really that was a very clever trick – he stood off to the side slightly while I did this, enough to get a look into my jacket and see that the bulge was just a pocket full of wallet, papers, and other random bits that tourists pick up. It stayed low-key, he was in full control the whole time, and I didn’t even realize he thought something was wrong until much afterwards.

A few days later, on a much lighter note, I visited an onsen bath, about an hour south of Tokyo proper. The hostess mistook me for a girl at first and nearly handed me a key to the women’s locker room. She caught herself in time. It’s not the first time that’s happened to me, and I’m used to laughing it off (really I think it’s a nice sort of compliment).

It’s been a little bit of a whirlwind overview tour, and I’m still a bit shocked that it’s coming to an end. Right now it’s some ungodly-o-clock and I’ve been traveling all day, so I’ll post more pictures when I get a chance.

They said that he was part demon, that he had slain even great and noble silver dragons and forged armor from their hides. When finally the last of the old royal line lay exterminated at his feet, they said, he had spat in disgust, turned away, and walked into legend.

And it was true. Even now, the Rebellion turned into a new royalty for over a hundred years, Erdrick’s armor still glittered, bright with malice and enchantment.

In the second room Snickt visited, even before the first combat, he found a chest with a fully-loaded Wand of Wishing. He wished for blessed scrolls of charging, blessed +2 silver dragon scale mail, and blessed fireproof +2 speed boots, then recharged the wand and made some more wishes, for a blessed rustproof +2 helm of brilliance, a blessed +2 Magicbane, and +2 blessed fireproof gauntlets of dexterity. For storytelling purposes I decided that this should be his “starting” equipment.

The fabled Magicbane gleamed in his hand, elemental chaos black. Blood rushed in his head, and he heard the voice of Anhur calling to him.

“Serve me,” it said. “Go forth into the Dungeons of Doom. Bring to me the Amulet of Yendor and you shall become more powerful than Erdrick even dared to dream.”

And Snickt knew then his destiny. For nearly a week he prepared himself and said his few goodbyes. Then, one evening, he looked up at the bright, full moon for the last time, and he slipped into the unending, subterranean night.

The beginning was easy. Jackals, newts, and foxes posed no challenge. Gnomes and even dwarves could barely scratch his armor. He only laughed at their futile attacks, effortlessly swatting their blows aside, or watching them bounce harmlessly off of his polished silver shell. Killing them with Magicbane grew boring, and he began to toy with them, parrying long enough to refresh his mystical energies, then blasting them to bits and kibble.

Soon they learned to fear him. Any who came within arm’s reach were cut down without a word. The smarter ones fled his approach. One betrayed the entrance to their Mines, and Snickt followed. They would make fine sacrifices to Anhur, and in any case they annoyed him now, with their thin, shrill voices and their stubborn refusal to stand still for his target-practice.

One of their traps squashed his kitten beneath a rolling boulder. This made him angry, and he swore that they would pay. All of them would pay. He went on a rampage, killing everything that crossed his path, hostile or indifferent. Minetown was particularly satisfying. A small community of Gnomish Wizards lived there, and Magicbane fed heavily from their energies. One of the shopkeepers sold Snickt a new kitten, and Izchak sold him a lamp that oozed magic. This mollified him somewhat, and he spared them from his wrath (Izchak seemed like a charming fellow anyways).

The temple held a single priest, a contemptible, snivelling follower of Ptah. Snickt brushed past him without a thought, on to deeper parts of the dungeon, but soon a plan began to hatch in his mind. He visited Minetown again and sold a few gems, building up his funds. Carefully he led a beast to the temple doors and slew it. The idiot priest seemed not to notice the body Snickt dragged to the altar. They spoke – briefly – and Snickt offered him a few donations. Each time the priest prayed to Ptah on his behalf, and Ptah rewarded him with a magical, protective glow.

Snickt threw the creature’s lifeless body onto the altar, screaming out his offer to Anhur. A hot black glow announced its acceptance, and the growing power of Chaos. The priest became angry, but it was too late. He only lived a few short rounds, dying as Snickt’s vicious smile (and Magicbane) struck sweet terror deep into his heart.

Anhur must have smiled upon this trick, or perhaps Ptah felt some impotent anger, because as Snickt left the temple, he found a white unicorn grazing just outside, its hide pure and unblemished. In minutes its throat was slit, its milk-white coat stained red, and its body offered to Snickt’s dark god. Snickt roared his triumph. Erdrick would be proud.

Originally I planned to write out the entire epic of Snickt’s descent into the bowels of the Earth, through Gehennom, and back out, into the Elemental Planes, but it’s very long and actually not as good a story as I thought it would be. Suffice to say that he is every bit as malicious as I painted him (he pulled the same trick on a priest of Thoth), and that the (Middle) Finger of Death is a whole lot of fun.

Snickt eventually learned to live without his entire arsenal of spells. It winds up being a whole lot of effort to keep them all memorized. This got much worse when (while confused) he accidentally fell into some water, and erased a disturbingly large chunk of his spellbook collection. Scrambling through the last third of the game, racing his rapidly-diminshing spell list, made the game much harder, though it lent the endgame a nice kind of end-of-the-hero’s-journey weariness.

After losing his fifth cat and second dog, Snickt stopped caring about the creatures around him, and would frequently tame anything reasonably tough-looking, just so he could send it to its doom. It worked surprisingly well.

I’ve been playing NetHack, on and off, for almost ten years now. I consider it one of the greatest computer games ever written, and it continues to amaze me even now. I’ve never beaten it… until now.

You offer the Amulet of Yendor to Anhur…–More–
An invisible choir sings, and you are bathed in radiance–More–
The voice of Anhur booms out: “Congratulations, mortal!”–More–
“In return for thy service, I grant thee the gift of Immortality!”–More–
You ascend to the status of Demigod…–More–

Do you want to see your conduct [ynq] (y)
Voluntary Challenges:
You genocided 20 types of monsters
You never changed form.
You used 13 wishes.

Goodbye Snickt the Demigod…

You went to your reward with 6388264 points,
Magicbane (worth 3500 zorkmids and 8750 points)
The Eye of the Aethiopica (worth 4000 zorkmids and 10000 points)
The Bell of Opening (worth 5000 zorkmids and 12500 points)
Demonbane (worth 2500 zorkmids and 6250 points)
15 opals (worth 12000 zorkmids),
12 aquarmarines (worth 18000 zorkmids),
10 dilithium crystals (worth 45000 zorkmids),
10 sapphires (worth 30000 zorkmids),
9 amber stones (worth 9000 zorkmids),
9 jet stones (worth 7650 zorkmids),
6 diamonds (worth 24000 zorkmids),
5 jacinth stones (worth 16250 zorkmids),
5 citrine stones (worth 7500 zorkmids),
5 topaz stones (worth 4500 zorkmids),
5 jade stones (worth 1500 zorkmids),
4 rubies (worth 14000 zorkmids),
4 chrysoberyl stones (worth 2800 zorkmids),
4 garnet stones (worth 2800 zorkmids),
4 emeralds (worth 7500 zorkmids),
2 jasper stones (worth 1000 zorkmids),
1 black opal (worth 2500 zorkmids),
1 turquoise stone (worth 2000 zorkmids),
1 fluorite stone (worth 400 zorkmids),
2 amulets of life saving (worth 300 zorkmids),
1 amulet of magical breathing (worth 150 zorkmids),
and 147415 pieces of gold, after 91087 moves.
You were level 28 with a maximum of 298 hit points when you ascended.

You made the top ten list!
No Points Name HP [max]
1 6388264 Snickt-Wiz-Hum-Mal-Cha ascended to demigod-hood. 163 [298]

The Plain Dealer has an interview:

Technically, I suppose, it is two Bonks on the Head.

I think everyone can be a little happier knowing that there are such brave and spirited people in the world.

That is, everyone except the bad guys being bonked on the head. That is okay. Maybe next time they will think twice before being so rude.

Always,
~Catboy =^.^=

Some of the commenters are taking the opportunity to share their experiences growing up, and the ways porn affected their lives (good and bad alike). I’d like to share my take on it, and I’d like to hear yours as well.

I discovered hormones in the age of really easy digital pornography. I downloaded my first JPGs in early 1998 (guesstimating) and had a few hundred megabytes worth by 2000. Both of my parents worked and didn’t get back until 6 PM, so I had plenty of time to get all the afterschool porn I wanted.

For a hormonal teenage boy, this is a lot of porn. I didn’t go looking every day, but Passerby’s “same sex couple naked, one or both penetrated, displayed on black latex covered in oil” was small fries.[1] I remember reading a few bestiality stories, trying to figure out the attraction, and I accidentally wandered into a Dolcett archive once. I didn’t like those, but I certainly looked. I got Goatse’d and didn’t like that either. People are weird. Fantasy and reality are very different things. Kids can be much better about understanding that than adults would like to give them credit for.

Like any other activity, I think porn is what you make of it. It has precious little inherent morality. Tulsa mixed fantasy and reality together, and it started affecting her sense of self-worth. I liked Anthony Brown’s posts on Alt.Sex.Stories and started writing my own, hoping that maybe one day someone would enjoy something I wrote as much as I enjoyed Wulf. Tulsa let cybersex become part of her reality. I just took it as writing practice. By the time she was seventeen, she’d lied her way into a tremendously bad situation. By the time I was seventeen, I was… well, surprisingly good at writing. Some people see those seductive black-and-white dungeon photos and get into BDSM; I got into photography. Popups took control of Cand86’s computer and scared her away; I learned how to lock the computer down and take it back (it helps that I was and remain a technical kind of dork).

In my case, at least, I think porn was a lot better for me than soccer or basketball might have been.

Porn is like alcohol, guns, or credit cards. Their value is in what you make of them. And, like alcohol, guns, and credit, I think that it’s far better to teach people how to deal with them responsibly than simply to hide them away behind some forbidden mystique and expect that maturity later, without benefit of experience.

[1] Incidentally, even at 14, I knew that “latex covered in oil” was bad juju. Give the kids some credit. You’ll ruin your latex. Use something water- or silicone- based.

10 – Eat food. Not too much. Go out of your way to find some that is tasty and nutritious. Gooey cinnamon rolls are tasty but not very nutritious. Plain chicken breast is nutritious but not very tasty. Fresh fish, well-cooked vegetables, and fruit are both!

9 – People are surprisingly willing to trade all sorts of wonderful things for small green pictures of boring-looking men. Try not to promise to trade someone more pictures than you actually have. Very much sadness comes from thinking that you will get more in the future, and then not actually getting as many as you expected.

8 – All catgirls are pretty, though sometimes this is not obvious until you find the right perspective. This is a good idea to remember and very important, much the way that it is important to walk all the way around a banyan tree, or to take a few steps back and appreciate Kīlauea from a safe and respectful distance.

7 – There is a special kind of tough-pretty catgirl that is especially charming and makes you feel warmer and fuzzier than normal. Be very careful of these, because they are fast on their feet and can hug you with surprising force.

6 – Notice that I have said to be careful, not necessarily to be wary.

5 – Have an appropriate outfit for every occasion, and especially have a distinctive hat if you are a hat-wearing kind of person. Good attire inspires confidence.

4 – Always remember to take breaks for cocoa. Most problems do not feel so bad if you have enough cocoa. If you are allergic to chocolate, take breaks for lemonade instead. Lemonade is tasty both hot and cold, and works much the same way.

3 – Make a special effort to brighten at least one person’s day, every day. It will make your corner of the world a happier place.

2 – Have candy. Offer it freely.

1 – Remember this always: wherever you may wander, there you are.

I think she deserves the same chance. Really, I think that everyone deserves the same chance (that teaching urge is hard to forget), but my friend seems particularly important right now. She’s endearingly quirky and I believe she doesn’t give herself enough credit for how bright she is. Sometimes I wonder how she might change in the experience; I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t make the most of it, but how is anyone’s guess.

I’d like to meet that hypothetical future-self, whoever she might be. I bet she’d have a lot of interesting, compelling things to say.

It’s time for me to put some money where my mouth is.

This is my open gift to her, my promise before all of you. I hope you get to hold me to it.

Hi DeeDee,

Happy graduation, and happy upcoming birthday. Welcome to the start of your adult life.

I think you should go and try college for a semester. Try it on; see if it suits you; see if you can handle it. I think you’ll be surprised. It doesn’t really matter which; even community college is better than none, and you can always transfer up if you find it too easy. Just go full-time and give it your best shot. Keep in touch; let me know how you’re doing and ask if you need help.

If you can pull off that one semester, I’ll help you pay for it. After your finals are done, I’ll drive down to meet you, take you out to lunch, and write you out a check for three hundred and fifty dollars. Call it a delayed scholarship. If you go to a CSU it’s a good start; if you go to a community college, it pays for your tuition, fees, and bus pass, then gets you started on your books. You can use it to keep going, or pay off what you’ve done and stop. I believe in you that much, and that’s my gift to you.

You have one year.

Please don’t waste it.
-Adrian

Lately though, I think my favorite stories come from an adventurer named Kino. They are collected in a nice little box called, appropriately, Kino’s Journey. Kino is not a professional, though she is very good at adventuring. Like your friendly neighborhood Catboy (me), Kino is short, friendly, cheerful, and often not entirely sure where she is going (professional adventurers know where they are going, even if they are not sure how to get there exactly). She does have a map, which is helpful, and the ever-important distinctive hat. Most importantly, though, she (and her companion, a talking motorcycle named Hermes) understands that is the getting-there and not the “there” at the end that is important about adventuring.

Kino’s world is a place full of wonder, slightly super-technological and slightly magical at the same time. Most notably it is missing airplanes and CD players and things like this, even though there are holograms, clever Victorian-looking robots, and very big computers with mysterious panels of blinky lights. It is almost like a fairy tale that way, a little bit out of step with the normal flow of time. Also it is like a fairy tale because it is a compellingly moral sort of world; Kino spends an awful lot of time having to consider the necessity of her guns and the strange justice (or injustice) of the countries she wanders through (most of the time they are really closer to large walled towns).

Even though some of the countries are not very nice (some of them are just plain dangerous), Kino believes that “the world is not beautiful; therefore it is.” What she means by this is that even the unpleasant and dangerous parts of the world make the world a more beautiful place in which to live, because they make people appreciate how wonderful the rest really is.

This is a thought of which I approve very much, partly because it is a little bit like my “flakes, raisins, and almonds” theory. I do recommend that you enjoy Kino’s story for yourself.