YAFAP: Snickt the Wizard

One day, long ago, in an era now lost beneath the sands of time, a fledgeling wizard by the name of Snickt remembered the stories his grandmother once told, of her grandfather, a hero and a decorated soldier in the Great Rebellion. Growing tired of his studies, he went into the attic and opened the chest of his great-great-grandfather’s things. His ancestor must have been a modest man in his old age, for he was no ordinary soldier, nor even any ordinary hero; young Snickt recognized in that chest the armor and weapon of Feared Erdrick the Kingslayer, the greatest terror of his generation, and indeed of any living memory.

They said that he was part demon, that he had slain even great and noble silver dragons and forged armor from their hides. When finally the last of the old royal line lay exterminated at his feet, they said, he had spat in disgust, turned away, and walked into legend.

And it was true. Even now, the Rebellion turned into a new royalty for over a hundred years, Erdrick’s armor still glittered, bright with malice and enchantment.

In the second room Snickt visited, even before the first combat, he found a chest with a fully-loaded Wand of Wishing. He wished for blessed scrolls of charging, blessed +2 silver dragon scale mail, and blessed fireproof +2 speed boots, then recharged the wand and made some more wishes, for a blessed rustproof +2 helm of brilliance, a blessed +2 Magicbane, and +2 blessed fireproof gauntlets of dexterity. For storytelling purposes I decided that this should be his “starting” equipment.

The fabled Magicbane gleamed in his hand, elemental chaos black. Blood rushed in his head, and he heard the voice of Anhur calling to him.

“Serve me,” it said. “Go forth into the Dungeons of Doom. Bring to me the Amulet of Yendor and you shall become more powerful than Erdrick even dared to dream.”

And Snickt knew then his destiny. For nearly a week he prepared himself and said his few goodbyes. Then, one evening, he looked up at the bright, full moon for the last time, and he slipped into the unending, subterranean night.

The beginning was easy. Jackals, newts, and foxes posed no challenge. Gnomes and even dwarves could barely scratch his armor. He only laughed at their futile attacks, effortlessly swatting their blows aside, or watching them bounce harmlessly off of his polished silver shell. Killing them with Magicbane grew boring, and he began to toy with them, parrying long enough to refresh his mystical energies, then blasting them to bits and kibble.

Soon they learned to fear him. Any who came within arm’s reach were cut down without a word. The smarter ones fled his approach. One betrayed the entrance to their Mines, and Snickt followed. They would make fine sacrifices to Anhur, and in any case they annoyed him now, with their thin, shrill voices and their stubborn refusal to stand still for his target-practice.

One of their traps squashed his kitten beneath a rolling boulder. This made him angry, and he swore that they would pay. All of them would pay. He went on a rampage, killing everything that crossed his path, hostile or indifferent. Minetown was particularly satisfying. A small community of Gnomish Wizards lived there, and Magicbane fed heavily from their energies. One of the shopkeepers sold Snickt a new kitten, and Izchak sold him a lamp that oozed magic. This mollified him somewhat, and he spared them from his wrath (Izchak seemed like a charming fellow anyways).

The temple held a single priest, a contemptible, snivelling follower of Ptah. Snickt brushed past him without a thought, on to deeper parts of the dungeon, but soon a plan began to hatch in his mind. He visited Minetown again and sold a few gems, building up his funds. Carefully he led a beast to the temple doors and slew it. The idiot priest seemed not to notice the body Snickt dragged to the altar. They spoke – briefly – and Snickt offered him a few donations. Each time the priest prayed to Ptah on his behalf, and Ptah rewarded him with a magical, protective glow.

Snickt threw the creature’s lifeless body onto the altar, screaming out his offer to Anhur. A hot black glow announced its acceptance, and the growing power of Chaos. The priest became angry, but it was too late. He only lived a few short rounds, dying as Snickt’s vicious smile (and Magicbane) struck sweet terror deep into his heart.

Anhur must have smiled upon this trick, or perhaps Ptah felt some impotent anger, because as Snickt left the temple, he found a white unicorn grazing just outside, its hide pure and unblemished. In minutes its throat was slit, its milk-white coat stained red, and its body offered to Snickt’s dark god. Snickt roared his triumph. Erdrick would be proud.

Originally I planned to write out the entire epic of Snickt’s descent into the bowels of the Earth, through Gehennom, and back out, into the Elemental Planes, but it’s very long and actually not as good a story as I thought it would be. Suffice to say that he is every bit as malicious as I painted him (he pulled the same trick on a priest of Thoth), and that the (Middle) Finger of Death is a whole lot of fun.

Snickt eventually learned to live without his entire arsenal of spells. It winds up being a whole lot of effort to keep them all memorized. This got much worse when (while confused) he accidentally fell into some water, and erased a disturbingly large chunk of his spellbook collection. Scrambling through the last third of the game, racing his rapidly-diminshing spell list, made the game much harder, though it lent the endgame a nice kind of end-of-the-hero’s-journey weariness.

After losing his fifth cat and second dog, Snickt stopped caring about the creatures around him, and would frequently tame anything reasonably tough-looking, just so he could send it to its doom. It worked surprisingly well.

I’ve been playing NetHack, on and off, for almost ten years now. I consider it one of the greatest computer games ever written, and it continues to amaze me even now. I’ve never beaten it… until now.

You offer the Amulet of Yendor to Anhur…–More–
An invisible choir sings, and you are bathed in radiance–More–
The voice of Anhur booms out: “Congratulations, mortal!”–More–
“In return for thy service, I grant thee the gift of Immortality!”–More–
You ascend to the status of Demigod…–More–

Do you want to see your conduct [ynq] (y)
Voluntary Challenges:
You genocided 20 types of monsters
You never changed form.
You used 13 wishes.

Goodbye Snickt the Demigod…

You went to your reward with 6388264 points,
Magicbane (worth 3500 zorkmids and 8750 points)
The Eye of the Aethiopica (worth 4000 zorkmids and 10000 points)
The Bell of Opening (worth 5000 zorkmids and 12500 points)
Demonbane (worth 2500 zorkmids and 6250 points)
15 opals (worth 12000 zorkmids),
12 aquarmarines (worth 18000 zorkmids),
10 dilithium crystals (worth 45000 zorkmids),
10 sapphires (worth 30000 zorkmids),
9 amber stones (worth 9000 zorkmids),
9 jet stones (worth 7650 zorkmids),
6 diamonds (worth 24000 zorkmids),
5 jacinth stones (worth 16250 zorkmids),
5 citrine stones (worth 7500 zorkmids),
5 topaz stones (worth 4500 zorkmids),
5 jade stones (worth 1500 zorkmids),
4 rubies (worth 14000 zorkmids),
4 chrysoberyl stones (worth 2800 zorkmids),
4 garnet stones (worth 2800 zorkmids),
4 emeralds (worth 7500 zorkmids),
2 jasper stones (worth 1000 zorkmids),
1 black opal (worth 2500 zorkmids),
1 turquoise stone (worth 2000 zorkmids),
1 fluorite stone (worth 400 zorkmids),
2 amulets of life saving (worth 300 zorkmids),
1 amulet of magical breathing (worth 150 zorkmids),
and 147415 pieces of gold, after 91087 moves.
You were level 28 with a maximum of 298 hit points when you ascended.

You made the top ten list!
No Points Name HP [max]
1 6388264 Snickt-Wiz-Hum-Mal-Cha ascended to demigod-hood. 163 [298]

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